- ISBN13: 9781576839546
- Condition: USED – Very Good
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Product Description
This parenting book shows you how to raise self-confident, motivated children who are ready for the real world. Learn how to parent effectively while teaching your children responsibility and growing their character.
Establish healthy control through easy-to-implement steps without anger, threats, nagging, or power struggles.
Indexed for easy reference.
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#1 by Nature Mom w/ 2 children + EE & Management degrees on October 30th, 2010
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I found the “thinking words” vs. “fighting words” sections very helpful. Instead of “Stop yelling!” try “When your voice is as calm as mine, I’ll be glad to talk with you.” (works for whining too!) Once you’ve read this book, the “pearls” are easy to use later as a quick reference (about 50 issues including bossiness, getting ready for school, bedtime, teeth brushing, TV, temper tantrums and whining ). The first time I read the book a few years ago, I knew there were some great ideas, but I also felt like I was about to let my children initially experience too many logical consequences, and perhaps a drop in self-esteem. I think the book missed an opportunity to give parents an option to gradually implement their method of teaching responsibility by first acting as an emotional coach. A recently released book used in conjunction with this one was the answer I was looking for. If you have young children or think you may want to help coach your children first, try this book along with “Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (author of “Raising your Spirited Child”). The combination is powerful! I keep both books on hand for quick reference and my favorite ideas from them taped to my refrigerator.
Rating: 4 / 5
#2 by Nature Mom w/ 2 children + EE & Management degrees on October 30th, 2010
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I found the “thinking words” vs. “fighting words” sections very helpful. Instead of “Stop yelling!” try “When your voice is as calm as mine, I’ll be glad to talk with you.” (works for whining too!) Once you’ve read this book, the “pearls” are easy to use later as a quick reference (about 50 issues including bossiness, getting ready for school, bedtime, teeth brushing, TV, temper tantrums and whining ). The first time I read the book a few years ago, I knew there were some great ideas, but I also felt like I was about to let my children initially experience too many logical consequences, and perhaps a drop in self-esteem. I think the book missed an opportunity to give parents an option to gradually implement their method of teaching responsibility by first acting as an emotional coach. A recently released book used in conjunction with this one was the answer I was looking for. If you have young children or think you may want to help coach your children first, try this book along with “Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (author of “Raising your Spirited Child”). The combination is powerful! I keep both books on hand for quick reference and my favorite ideas from them taped to my refrigerator.
Rating: 4 / 5
#3 by Michael Erisman on October 30th, 2010
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Basically, this book is about how to create a positive learning environment for our children, by giving them control of non-essential choices designed to be the desired outcome regardless of which choice they choose. It also provides some great insight into how to create a trusting and positive environment while teaching some positive habits.
My wife read this book first and I noticed an immediate change in how she reacted to our rather headstrong two-year old. Staying calm, and giving choices like: Do you want to have milk before you go to bed, or juice? This instead of the battle on whether or not she was going to bed. We find ourselves laughing at some of the absurd choices we come up with, and it’s harder than it appears to consistently think this way. What is easy to see is that it works, and works well. Some of our biggest battles over dressing, or going to bed, or eating dinner have become much easier and the “uh-oh” said calmly has stopped some poor behavior in its tracks!
While we both embrace the fact that testing the limits is a natural and healthy way for young children to learn, this book gave some great insights on how to facilitate and not discourage that type of learning, and yet still teach the right behaviors.
I was not thrilled with the overall editing and layout of the book, as it jumped around a bit, and half-way through would say things like: This may not work for children under three! OK, this is information we could have used four chapters ago when the authors were making a point we were attempting to follow. That minor complaint notwithstanding, this is an excellent book and is highly recommended for all parents with young children.
Rating: 4 / 5
#4 by ES on October 30th, 2010
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I borrowed this book from the library and have just finished reading part one. I will admit first that I am the product of what the authors call “helicopters,” so some of the ideas in the book are unusual to me.
In general, I like the idea of natural consequences, enforcable choices, and encouraging children to think through their problems. I can see myself using these principles with my own daughter, but not always the way the authors do it. Some of the sample dialogues in the book are reasonable but many do not sound as genuine and empathetic as the authors imply.
Some of the examples in the book and in the “pearls” are making me very upset. In one case, a child has been neglecting her dog by not feeding it, so the mom just gives it away with no warning and without confronting the girl about it. The authors admit this is a really tough approach but that’s how kids learn that unless you take care of your health and your animals serious illness or death can result. Now this sounds crazy to me. In our home, we think of pets as a family responsibility, so that might be one difference. Still, wouldn’t it teach the girl more about empathy to sit her down and say “you can either come up with a schedule and feed the dog or we are giving it away, you have one week to improve.” Why do these authors feel that giving someone a second chance is a bad thing? It seems this might teach her “if I don’t fulfill my responsiblity, someone else will take care of it for me.”
Another example is a mom who asked her son to do something and he mouths off and refuses. So the next day when he asks for a ride she says, yesterday you showed me that asking nicely can be ignored, so I’m not going to drive you to your activity, even though you asked nicely. Isn’t that just being petty and/or spiteful? That’s a great lesson for your kid.
A third example is a kid who blows his lunch money and allowance on a carnival and has no money for lunch at school. So he asks his dad if he can make a lunch from food in the fridge. The dad says, yes, but you have to pay for it because I already gave you money for lunch once. Really? Your kid offers to take responsibility to make his own lunch all week and you are going to charge him for it? I’d think remembering to make lunch everyday would teach him the lesson. I agree to not giving him more money, but charging for the food in the fridge sounds stingy – won’t he learn that as part of the lesson too?
I think it is possible for kids to learn self-reliance with this method but some of the examples just sound like the kids would end up feeling like their parents are not willing to help them out without significant groveling. It sounds as though a Love and Logic parent is not supposed to give advice or help a kid work on the solution, or not until the child has time to ponder it and slink back to ask for help. I’m not advocating parents do the solving, just help, like talking it out with them or brainstorming. I thought helping others is an important value to teach our kids (not being doormats, being a sounding board to say “what do you think would happen if you used that solution?”). This seems to teach “I’m genuinely sorry you have a problem but it’s still yours.” Nice.
I just wonder if some of these examples I’ve listed would make the kid feel like their parents view them as impositions or that the parents really begrudge them something. I realize that how you do it depends on the age of the child, but some of this still seems pretty harsh the way the authors do it. In some cases I don’t think that helping them is equal to bailing them out. The examples sound like the parent says “I know you will come up with a solution” and then they just walk away.
I greatly prefer How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk. It also emphasizes consequences and letting kids make choices and solve problems themselves but it shows you how to do this and keep talking with them at the same time. If Love and Logic is a turn-off for you, consider reading this other book before throwing out the consiquences/choices method entirely.
Rating: 2 / 5
#5 by mikieatton on October 31st, 2010
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I add my name to the countless others who share my concern about where they feel the line should be drawn (or their lack of a line at all).
They lost me, and I expect countless others, at the example of the family allowing the animal to go hungry long enough that his ribs were showing. They do not step in when the child neglects the dog, expecting the child to be responsible for the dog. THEN after puppy has gotten so thin it’s ribs are showing (not a fun period of time for our furry friend I’d imagine) the parent steps in to say the dog has gone to a “new home” They state that “We sometimes worry that this approach sounds too tough, taking a pet out of the home with the possibility it may never return”. I don’t see this as the primary problem! An animal is not fed to the point his ribs are showing in order to provide a teaching moment.
Interesting the book only a few pages prior states we should “tremble” at what parents’ model.
Uh Oh! – Love and Logic modeling neglect, pets are disposable, and to add insult to injury the mom says it hurts her eyes to see the starvation and her ears to hear the cries of hunger. Really?! Don’t know I want to teach my children that those who “suffer” the observation of neglect yet choose not to act are the ones who should have our compassion.
They have some good fundamental ideas but I am suspect of how far they go with their approach. I’m unwilling to allow my child to abuse or neglect another living creature and think I’m going to sleep well suffering the “consequences” of that.
I’ve seen reviews stating other concerns about lines that are drawn, or not draw and am happy to spare myself the frustration of reading those examples.
Rating: 1 / 5
#6 by Anonymous on October 31st, 2010
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This book provides sound parenting philosophy and easy to use guidelines to apply it. As a teacher, it is clear to me which students have been raised with loving and logical parents. So many parents confuse love with protection. Parenting with love and logic means allowing your kids to make choices … and sometimes mistakes. Some may object to the “Basic German Shepard” tactics or the idea that claims that spanking is sometimes alright. Use what you wish from the book. I have never spanked my child, nor do I order him around like a dog. To avoid a power struggle with my son who didn’t want to put on his clothes or coat for a 5 minute ride home from my sister’s house, I used Love and Logic principles. On a cold January evening in Michigan I carried him to the car in his underwear. Moments later, he said, “I’m cold.” I simply kept driving and said, … Perhaps next time you will make a different choice?” A natural instinct would be to cover him up and protect him from the cold. He was not injured in any way. By sticking to the principle, however, he learned two very important lessons: 1) mom is not kidding around, and 2) it’s smart to wear your clothes and a coat. Since that evening, we have not struggled to get dressed. Try it!
Rating: 5 / 5